Chronically Undermined: Long-Term Developmental Consequences of Narcissistic Abuse
Introduction
“Ordinary” bad parenting stems from ignorance, unresolved trauma, poor coping skills, or a lack of emotional resources. These parents often make serious mistakes—sometimes even harmful ones—but they usually exhibit at least some capacity for reflection, remorse, or change. They may struggle to express love in healthy ways, but their failures are not rooted in malice or deep character pathology. Importantly, they are capable of recognizing the impact of their behavior when confronted with it. Over time, and especially in adulthood, some reconciliation may be possible—particularly when both parties are willing to do the emotional work of repair.
Narcissistic parenting, by contrast, is defined by entitlement, exploitation, and emotional enmeshment. Narcissistic parents do not see their children as separate individuals with valid needs, but as extensions of themselves. Their behavior is not accidental or simply the result of emotional overwhelm—it is often deliberate, manipulative, and designed to protect the parent’s fragile ego at the child’s expense. What makes narcissistic parenting fundamentally unforgivable is the absence of empathy, accountability, or genuine regard for the child’s well-being. Attempts to reconcile in adulthood typically lead to more abuse, because narcissistic parents do not change. They view forgiveness as weakness, boundaries as betrayal, and re-engagement as permission to reassert control. For survivors, letting go—without guilt—is not cruelty or vindictiveness. It is a necessary act of self-preservation in the face of persistent relational harm.
As I read through the list of harmful narcissistic parenting behaviours detailed in this article, I recognise every single one of them—clearly, painfully, and with undeniable certainty. Each description mirrors something I’ve lived. These are not distant clinical observations or abstract theories to me; they are memories I carry, wounds I’ve nursed, and patterns I have slowly begun to understand. In hindsight, I see it all now with clarity. But that clarity didn’t come just from looking back and labeling my childhood as “bad” or “abusive.”
Although I realised very early on that I was being mistreated, accusing my mother of child abuse at the age of 8 or 9 (an insight that proved correct), I lacked the resources, knowledge, courage and vocabulary to arrange my escape from the war zone at home. The real understanding came from doing the work I wish I’d done two decades ago: studying, researching, and immersing myself in the overwhelming amount of data, lived testimony, and psychological knowledge available on narcissistic abuse and dysfunctional family systems.
This process of self-education has been essential to my healing. Recognising the specific tactics and patterns not only validated my experiences—it also helped dismantle the distorted beliefs I had internalised for so long: that I was the problem, that I was too sensitive, disturbed, incompetent, selfish, antisocial, lazy, childish, indignant, naïve and in any case generally simply not good enough and told I couldn’t handle autonomy or independence.
I had little to no agency in decisions that shaped my development. Choices were made on my behalf without regard for my interests or needs. When I expressed a desire to join a soccer team—a common and beneficial activity for children—my mother dismissed it outright. In her words, soccer was “antisocial.” Instead, I was given a limited selection: cricket, which she arbitrarily approved of, or the flute, which happened to align with her personal interests. It was never about what suited me, only what fit her narrow criteria for acceptability.
The damage was far-reaching. By denying me autonomy over such a formative experience, she obstructed the development of key skills I was already struggling to build—resilience, decision-making, emotional regulation, social confidence, even basic physical health. But more than that, it exposed something deeper: I was not seen as an individual with a valid internal world. My preferences were irrelevant unless they conformed completely. That moment, like so many others, left an enduring mark. Even today, the thought of team sports evokes apprehension—a visceral reminder of being treated as though my needs never mattered.
Once you name the abuse and understand how deliberately it was structured to erase your truth, you can begin to undo the damage. You can begin to give yourself the empathy, the validation, the gentleness, and the patience you were always denied. This kind of self-recognition is not merely cathartic—it is the foundation of real recovery. The following list of narcissistic parenting behaviours is meant to help survivors jog their memory, to help them remember and work through their traumatic childhood experiences.
1. Gaslighting and Reality Denial
One common abusive behaviour is gaslighting, where the parent denies or distorts reality to make the child doubt their own perceptions. Adult children often recall feeling “crazy” or confused in childhood due to a narcissistic parent’s constant lying and contradicting of facts. For example, one woman writes that her mother “gaslighted me all the time”, insisting events never happened and labeling her “too sensitive,” until “by the time I was 7, I knew one of us had to be crazy”. Such manipulative rewriting of history leaves children unable to trust their own memory or feelings. They grow up walking on eggshells, second-guessing themselves, and feeling like they are always to blame when disagreements arise.
2. Guilt-Tripping and Playing the Victim
Narcissistic parents frequently guilt-trip their children as a means of manipulation. Adult survivors recall parents who constantly cast themselves as the wounded party to make the child feel responsible. A narcissistic mother or father might sob “No one cares about me. I might as well die,” or warn “You’ll regret how you treat me when I’m gone”, all in response to minor child misbehaviour or independence. These emotional outbursts force the child into comforting the parent and feeling guilty for normal needs or mistakes. In online support forums, people describe how any disagreement would prompt their parent to lament how “after all I’ve done for you, you’re so ungrateful,” swiftly flipping the script so the child feels like the offender and the parent the victim . Growing up under this constant guilt, children come to believe they are selfish or bad if they don’t put the parent first.
Psychologists note that playing the victim allows narcissistic individuals to redirect blame and gain sympathy. By amplifying their suffering or sacrifices, the parent diverts attention from their own hurtful behavior and pressures the child into compliance. Studies of narcissistic family dynamics have found that these parents lack empathy and “express love and affection only when a child’s looks or accomplishments bring attention and admiration to the parent”, but will quickly resort to neglect or punishment when the child fails to serve their needs. Guilt-tripping is a tactic to enforce this service. It instills in the child an exaggerated sense of obligation and fear of abandonment. Clinical experts classify such emotional coercion as abuse, noting that it uses the child’s love and conscience against them to meet the parent’s demands. In the long term, adults who were guilt-tripped by parents often struggle with chronic guilt, low self-worth, and difficulty setting healthy boundaries because they were conditioned to believe they are forever indebted to their parent’s feelings.
3. Emotional Blackmail and Threats
Extending guilt-tripping to the extreme, some narcissistic parents engage in emotional blackmail, such as threatening self-harm or other dire outcomes if the child does not comply. Many children of narcissists recall living in terror that if they assert independence or displease the parent, something terrible will happen – because the parent told them so. One daughter shared how when she announced a decision her mother didn’t like, “she said she was going to commit suicide, drove off…and was gone for 4 hours”. When the mother returned, she scolded her child, saying “look what you made me do…you should understand I know what’s best for you”. This kind of manipulative threat forces the child to put the parent’s emotional stability above all else. Other people describe parents who explicitly told them, “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself,” creating a lifelong burden of fear and responsibility. The child learns that any step toward autonomy might literally destroy their parent, an unbearable weight for a young person.
Professionals recognise suicide threats or similar ultimatums as a potent form of emotional abuse. Such tactics “function as a form of emotional abuse, pressuring the recipient into compliance through fear and guilt” . The parent is essentially weaponizing the child’s love and fear of harm to keep control. Research on these dynamics notes that while the parent may indeed feel desperate or afraid of abandonment, using threats is “manipulative and abusive, creating a climate of obligation and anxiety” for the child. The child ends up in a constant state of hyper-vigilance, always trying to keep the parent calm and alive. Rather than seeking professional help or addressing their issues, the narcissistic parent finds it easier to make the child emotionally hostage. Over time this can cause severe trauma: the child grows up with chronic anxiety, a distorted sense of responsibility for others’ emotions, and difficulty ever asserting their own needs. In short, emotional blackmail allows the parent to maintain power, but at the cost of the child’s mental well-being.
4. Triangulation and Sibling Rivalry
Narcissistic parents often turn family members against each other in a tactic known as triangulation. Rather than communicating directly or resolving conflicts fairly, they manipulate relationships to maintain control. Many people raised by narcissists describe how their parent orchestrated wedges between siblings or between the child and the other parent. “The narc does so much damage…she managed to destroy any love and relationship me and my siblings had, poisoning us against each other,” one survivor recalls of her mother . In some cases, the narcissistic parent designates one child as the “scapegoat” for all problems and encourages the other children to bully or shun that sibling. A commenter recounts, “My Nmother turned my brother, my Nfather and extended family against me. I was apparently ‘difficult’ and ‘crazy.’ Both her and my Nfather even encouraged my brother to beat me along with them when I was 9 or 10”, permanently destroying the brother-sister relationship. By pitting children against one another, the parent keeps the family focused on internal conflicts rather than the parent’s behaviour. The narcissist also ensures they remain the central figure each child tries to please, while preventing a united front that might challenge their authority.
In psychological terms, triangulation is a “divide and conquer” strategy commonly observed in narcissistic families. The narcissistic parent cultivates rivalries and mistrust so that they become the sole source of information and affection for each family member. This inflates the parent’s sense of importance and control, as everyone must go through them to communicate or reconcile. Research confirms that narcissistic parents manipulate family dynamics in this way to protect their ego and avoid being held accountable. By blaming the scapegoat for every issue and comparing siblings (“Why can’t you be more like your brother?”), they deflect attention from their own faults. Triangulation also feeds the narcissist’s need for drama and sympathy – they often play family members off each other and then act like the beleaguered victim caught in the middle. Unfortunately, the children suffer lasting effects: trust is eroded and sibling bonds are weakened or broken. Studies note that adults who grew up with a narcissistic parent often have strained relationships with siblings due to these manufactured conflicts, and they may struggle with trust and teamwork even outside the family.
5. Favoritism: Golden Children and Scapegoats
Narcissistic parents are notorious for favouritism, often designating one child as the “golden child” (the admired favourite who can do no wrong) and another as the “scapegoat” (the blamed child who can do no right). This harmful divide-and-rule behaviour creates intense sibling tension and warps the children’s self-image. People commonly share experiences of having a sibling who was blatantly favoured while they themselves were constantly criticised. “My youngest sister is my mother’s golden child. Mom was always doting on her and nothing me or my other siblings say can convince her otherwise,” one individual writes, adding that the mother’s behaviour “really messed up our relationship and that makes me incredibly sad.”. The golden child is lavished with praise, gifts, and defence, while the scapegoated child is marginalised and held responsible for all family problems. One person recalls “no matter what happens, [the narcissist] will twist it to make it seem like the scapegoat is at fault…they managed to mock and humiliate him on a daily basis” in front of the whole family. The favoured child, meanwhile, may be used as a trophy (e.g. “showered with praise and gifts”) and grows dependent on the parent’s approval, sometimes even joining in the scapegoating to stay in the parent’s good graces.
This golden child/scapegoat dynamic serves the narcissistic parent’s interests in several ways. It reinforces the idea that the parent is the ultimate judge of worth – setting siblings to compete for love ensures the parent’s attention is always sought. According to family therapists, the golden child is often an extension of the narcissist’s ego: the parent lives vicariously through the golden child’s successes and thus indulges that child, while the scapegoat is a target to dump the parent’s negative feelings and blame onto. Research on dysfunctional families finds that scapegoating is a deliberate strategy: “one child is blamed for everything that goes wrong,” allowing the narcissist to avoid responsibility and maintain their image of perfection. The favoured child, conversely, validates the narcissist; any accomplishment of the golden child is taken as the parent’s own (and indeed, narcissistic parents often “brag about the child’s accomplishments and even take credit for them” ). Unfortunately, both children suffer emotionally. The scapegoat often develops low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression from constant blame and rejection. The golden child, while outwardly “lucky,” may struggle with guilt, pressure to perform, or an unhealthy dependence on external validation. Neither receives unconditional love. Mental health experts warn that this extreme favouritism and splitting of roles can lead to long-term issues in adult relationships and self-worth, as the children have never experienced a balanced, equitable love from the parent.
6. Blame-Shifting and Never Apologizing
Narcissistic parents refuse to take responsibility for their mistakes or harmful actions. Instead, they habitually shift blame onto their children (or others) and rarely if ever offer a sincere apology. Adult children of narcissists say this is one of the most pervasive behaviours they experienced. “It’s never their fault, always your fault,” as one commenter succinctly put it. If something goes wrong – the parent loses their temper, the household has a problem, the parent is unhappy – a narcissistic parent will somehow make it the child’s wrongdoing. For instance, a narcissistic father might yell at the family because “you kids provoked me,” or a narcissistic mother might be chronically unhappy but insist “I wouldn’t be this way if you weren’t so difficult.” This constant blame conditions children to believe they are inherently defective. Many recall being told to “go think about what you’ve done” for situations where they hadn’t done anything at all . Likewise, any confrontation by the child is turned around: if a teen points out a parent’s broken promise, the parent might explode that the teen is “ungrateful and disrespectful.” Apologies, if offered, are fake and backhanded – e.g. “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “Sorry, but you shouldn’t have made me angry”. Challenging a narcissistic parent’s non-apology often triggers rage or the parent playing victim (e.g. “I already said sorry – what else do you want from me? Why are you trying to hurt me?”). The end result is that the child never hears the parent admit fault or validate the child’s hurt, cementing the child’s sense that any conflict is somehow their own wrongdoing.
From a clinical perspective, blame-shifting is practically a hallmark of narcissism. Avoiding responsibility protects the narcissist’s ego, which cannot tolerate the shame of being at fault. Researchers observe that highly narcissistic people “will almost never admit fault. Moreover, they will blame others for their mistakes and misbehaviors.”. In parent-child relationships, this means the narcissistic parent externalizes all blame onto the child (or others), preserving their self-image as blameless. Developmental psychologists note that children in such environments often internalize a false sense of guilt and chronic self-blame, or alternatively, some rebel and recognize the injustice but carry anger and mistrust. The lack of genuine apologies also deprives the child of any closure or learning that the parent’s behavior was not the child’s fault. In healthy families, parents teach accountability by sometimes apologizing to a child when the parent is wrong; narcissistic parents instead teach that power means never saying sorry. In the long run, this dynamic can contribute to the child’s emotional issues. Studies link narcissistic parenting to higher rates of depression and anxiety in children, partly because the child grows up feeling fundamentally at fault or never “good enough”. The parent’s constant blame and lack of empathy can lead to complex trauma symptoms in adulthood, where the person struggles with self-criticism and finds it hard to discern real responsibility in relationships (often assuming everything is their fault). Breaking this cycle of blame often requires therapy or other interventions, since the narcissistic parent is unlikely to ever take ownership of the harm they caused.
7. Projection of Insecurities
Many narcissistic parents also project their own flaws or insecurities onto their children. Projection means accusing the child of the very behaviours or feelings that the parent harbours, and it often goes hand-in-hand with blame-shifting. Children of narcissists frequently report bizarre accusations that, in hindsight, actually described the parent. For example, a narcissistic mother who is secretly jealous of her daughter’s appearance might constantly criticise the daughter’s looks, calling her “vain” or “provocative,” when in reality it is the mother who is overly concerned with image. One young woman shared that her mother always made fun of her clothing choices even though “she wears t-shirts and leggings every day.” This mother would even steal her daughter’s clothes to wear herself. The daughter realised, “She probably knows I have more style than her and is just jealous.”. In this case, the mother projected her own fashion insecurity onto the child (putting down the daughter’s style), while simultaneously coveting the daughter’s clothes – a clear indication that the mother felt inferior. Similar stories abound: a narcissistic father who is lazy may constantly call his child “lazy and ungrateful,” or a narcissistic mother with a history of lies tells her honest kids “I know you’re lying to me.” These parents cannot face their own shortcomings, so they dump them onto their children.
Projection serves as a defense mechanism for narcissists. By attributing their negative qualities to someone else, they can maintain an image of perfection or superiority. In the context of parenting, projection is extremely damaging – the child may start to believe these false labels (thinking “I must be selfish, I must be the problem”) and develop deep shame. Experts on narcissism note that projection is “the hallmark symptom of narcissism”, often happening unconsciously. It spares the narcissist from self-reflection, as they externalise everything undesirable. For the child, being on the receiving end of projection is bewildering and hurtful. A child who is kind and compliant might be told “stop trying to manipulate me” simply because the narcissistic parent is themselves manipulative and assumes others operate the same way. Research indicates that this pattern can cause children to question their own character and goodness. In reality, the parent is revealing their issues through what they accuse the child of. As one expert quipped, once you recognise projection, narcissists “just give themselves away” because their accusations are almost confessionals in reverse. Understanding this dynamic can be validating for adult children: it wasn’t that you were whatever awful thing the parent said – often, that was a reflection of the parent’s inner demons. Unfortunately, as long as the parent remains un-self-aware, they will continue to project, and the child (or any convenient target) will be cast in a false light to preserve the narcissist’s ego.
8. Chronic Envy and Competition
Envy is at the core of many narcissistic behaviours, and narcissistic parents often end up competing with their own children out of jealousy. It can be startling for a child to realise that a parent sees them not as someone to nurture, but as a rival to upstage or undermine. Daughters of narcissistic mothers commonly report that their mother was jealous of them – whether it was their youth, looks, talents, or accomplishments. “For years my mother has been in competition with me. Whenever someone would compliment my looks or tell me I’m pretty, she’d hijack the compliment by saying, ‘Oh she gets it from me,’” one woman shared of her narcissistic mom. Instead of celebrating her daughter, the mother needed to claim credit and redirect the praise to herself. Narcissistic parents might also feel threatened by a child’s success. A father might secretly resent his son’s academic achievements because it makes him feel inferior, leading the father to belittle those achievements or challenge the son in petty ways. In extreme cases, a narcissistic parent will sabotage opportunities for the child – for instance, not sending in a college application or “forgetting” to drive them to an important event – driven by an unconscious urge not to be outshone. One daughter recalls her mother’s constant envy: “She makes fun of my clothes…She probably is just jealous”. When the daughter lost weight and improved her health, her mother never acknowledged it privately, but as soon as the mother could get admiration from a friend about it, “boom, suddenly she shows interest” – only to gain attention for herself.
This behaviour is explained by the narcissist’s fragile self-esteem. Pathological envy arises because the parent cannot tolerate anyone (even their child) having qualities or successes that outshine their own. Research on narcissistic personality shows they often have an unstable sense of self, oscillating between grandiosity and deep insecurity. When a child hits a milestone that the narcissist parent never did – say, the child graduates college or is happily married – it can trigger feelings of shame and inadequacy in the parent. The narcissist copes by either diminishing the child’s accomplishment (“It’s not a big deal, anyone could do that”) or by turning it into a reflection of themselves (“Yes, my child did X, aren’t I such a great parent!”). Studies have noted that narcissistic parents may even become more abusive as children reach adolescence and adulthood, because the child’s growing independence and success feels like a threat to the parent’s status. The parent may respond with harsher discipline, put-downs, or competition. For example, a narcissistic mother might start dressing like her teenage daughter and flirting with the daughter’s friends or partners, trying to prove she is still the more attractive female – an obviously toxic dynamic. In sum, narcissistic parents’ envy leads to destructive competition rather than support. This can severely damage the child’s confidence and joy in their achievements, since what should be a proud moment becomes tainted by the parent’s negativity or co-opting of credit. Psychologists warn that being raised by an envious parent can result in the child developing anxiety about success or a habit of self-sabotage, as they have been conditioned to associate doing well with causing a parent’s wrath or jealousy.
9. Using Children as Trophies (Two-Faced Parenting)
Narcissistic parents typically have a “public versus private” persona, and nowhere is this more evident than in how they showcase their children to others. In private, they may criticize, neglect, or abuse their child, yet in public they brag about the child and use the child’s achievements to inflate their own image. This behavior treats the child as a trophy or prop rather than a real person with needs. One young woman shared a telling example: “At home she’s always calling me awful names…‘You’re a lazy good-for-nothing.’ But amazingly enough, when we walk out in town, suddenly I’m a good child. She’ll proudly wear my accomplishments as a badge of honor: ‘My daughter is an amazing artist!’”. The mother never praised the daughter’s art at home (in fact, she had derided it), but she happily “swung around” the daughter’s talent in front of others to appear like the proud, supportive mom. This two-faced parenting confuses and hurts the child. As the same daughter put it, “I’m sick of her two-faced act. My accomplishments aren’t hers to just use to claim the ‘#1 mom’ title.” . In another case, a narcissistic mother ignored her son’s musical abilities at home (or even punished him for not practicing enough), yet boasted to everyone about “how many piano awards my son has” and what a dedicated pianist he was. Children in these situations feel invisible and instrumented; one commenter likened it to being “just props for them to use” when it’s convenient.
This behaviour is a direct extension of the narcissist’s need for admiration and fear of shame. Psychologically, the child is seen not as an individual but as an extension of the parent’s ego. When the child excels in some way that can bring the parent praise, the narcissist seizes upon it and amplifies it publicly – essentially “I get glory because my child did this”. But when the child struggles or simply has needs, the narcissist either ignores them or actively disparages them in private, because those do not serve the narcissist’s self-image. Researchers describe how narcissistic parents “only express love when a child’s looks, talent, or accomplishments” reflect positively on the parent, and withdraw affection (or punish) when the child fails to do so. In effect, love is highly conditional and transactional. The two-faced behavior is also a form of image control: narcissists care deeply about looking like a great parent to outsiders, even if they are anything but. This can be crazy-making for the child, who sees a parent charming the neighbors while being cruel at home. It often delays the child’s recognition of the abuse – many survivors say they doubted their own feelings because “everyone else thought my parent was so wonderful.” In terms of impact, being treated as a trophy can pressure the “golden” child to keep achieving for the parent’s approval, or conversely, the child may feel like any success is tainted by the parent’s co-opting. Furthermore, outsiders rarely see the abuse if the narcissist is skilled at public performance. This leaves the child isolated and less likely to be believed or supported when they seek help. The hypocrisy also teaches the child unhealthy lessons: they may learn to put on a facade themselves, or develop mistrust in relationships. Mental health experts note that this duplicity is common in narcissistic family systems – the narcissist’s need to appear “all good” means the family often has “secrets” and a very different reality behind closed doors. Healing involves recognising that the parent’s public praise was never true affirmation of the child as a person, but rather a selfish manipulation for the parent’s gain.
10. Double Standards and Hypocrisy
Hypocrisy is another hallmark of narcissistic parenting. Narcissistic parents enforce strict rules or expectations on their children that they do not follow themselves, operating under an attitude of “Do as I say, not as I do.” Children often notice glaring double standards. For instance, a narcissistic parent may yell and curse at the child daily, but if the child even raises their voice once, the parent reacts with outrage at the child’s “disrespect.” One daughter shared that every time her mother lost an argument on its merits, “she would just yell at me for yelling – when she was always the first to raise her voice”. Another common scenario is the parent indulging in behaviours they forbid the child. A narcissistic mother might raid the fridge for junk food while shaming her teenager for poor eating habits, or a father might spend money on luxuries while berating his son for being “irresponsible” with a small allowance. Personal boundaries are also one-sided: the parent might snoop through the child’s diary or bedroom, but the child is punished for any privacy or for questioning the parent. One person vividly described learning that “there were no safe spaces for me to have my own feelings. …Forget about hiding a notebook in my bedroom – she’d find it. Even my wastebasket wasn’t safe.”. The narcissistic mother would even chastise her for confiding in a teacher or friend, screaming “Why can’t you talk to ME?!…Are you talking about me to them?!”. Meanwhile, that same mother might share the child’s private struggles with others if it suits her. This hypocrisy leaves the child feeling helpless and violated – the parent can do anything, and the child “deserves nothing”, not even basic respect or consistency.
Hypocrisy in narcissistic parents stems from their sense of entitlement and lack of empathy. In their view, rules apply to others, not to them. As expert Darius Cikanavicius notes, “Different rules apply to different people in a dysfunctional family… The parent can get angry, but the child is expected to always be calm and obedient.”. This double standard reinforces the hierarchy where the narcissistic parent is above accountability. It also serves to invalidate the child’s perspective – no matter how valid a child’s feelings or arguments are, the parent will twist the situation to make the child wrong if the child challenges the parent’s behaviour. Research on narcissistic parenting emphasises that these parents disregard their children’s boundaries, needs, and feelings, yet demand that everyone consider the parent’s feelings and needs “of the utmost importance.” . Essentially, it’s one set of rules for the narcissist and another for everyone else . This is extremely confusing for children, who learn that fairness doesn’t exist in their family and that they can never “win.” A child might think, “If I follow the rules, the rules suddenly change.” Over time, this can lead to learned helplessness or deep resentment. The child might stop trying to assert any rights or opinions, since the parent will always override them. On the flip side, the parent’s hypocrisy can eventually become evident to the child (especially as they grow older and see how other families operate), sometimes sparking anger or rebellion. However, confronting a narcissistic parent about hypocrisy usually provokes narcissistic rage or more gaslighting (e.g. denying they ever did the same thing). In sum, the narcissist’s hypocrisy is a mechanism to maintain dominance – they grant themselves freedoms and indulgences while denying the same to the child, thereby perpetuating the power imbalance. This environment can stunt a child’s moral development and self-esteem, as they are not treated as an equal human being with rights, but rather as a second-class citizen under the narcissist’s inconsistent rule.
11. Verbal Abuse and Shaming
Verbal abuse is a pervasive feature of narcissistic parenting. Narcissistic parents hurl insults, name-calling, and destructive criticism at their children, often under the guise of “helping” or “joking,” but the impact is deeply damaging. Many adult children recall being incessantly told they were stupid, ugly, worthless, or a burden. One survivor recounts, “Growing up, my mother often called me ‘stupid’, ‘fat’, ‘ugly’, ‘awful’, and ‘psychopathic’, just to name a few. She’d say I would never amount to anything or how no one would ever love me.”. Some narcissistic parents even weaponise their child’s vulnerabilities: if they know a child is insecure about their weight or sensitive about a fear, they will bring it up in cutting ways during arguments or tantrums to maximise the hurt . Beyond outright insults, narcissistic parents also engage in toxic comparisons and humiliation. They might constantly compare the child to a “better” sibling or peer (e.g. “Why can’t you be more like ___? You’re such a disappointment”), or shame the child for normal mistakes (like angrily calling a child “useless” for spilling a drink). These verbal attacks leave lasting scars. Children internalise the idea that they are fundamentally flawed. Being told “you’re unlovable” or “I wish you’d never been born” – tragically, phrases some narcissistic parents have uttered – can echo in a person’s mind well into adulthood.
The effects of this shaming and belittlement are well-documented in psychological literature. Repeated verbal abuse from a parent can be as harmful as physical abuse to a child’s developing self-esteem and emotional security. The child learns to self-criticise in the same derogatory language the parent used, often resulting in intense feelings of shame and inadequacy. Narcissistic parents use shaming as a tool of control: if the child feels worthless, they are less likely to challenge the parent or develop the confidence to leave the toxic environment. According to therapist Darius Cikanavicius, this kind of toxic shaming causes the child to “internalise the message that they are fundamentally flawed, defective, and a bad person.” This internalised shame can lead to a host of problems later on, including depression, anxiety, and difficulty forming healthy relationships, because the person doesn’t believe they deserve respect or love. Furthermore, narcissistic parents often dismiss any emotional reaction from the child as “too sensitive,” compounding the damage by gaslighting the child about their right to feel hurt. It’s important to recognise that constant criticism is not “tough love” – it’s abuse. Research on verbal abuse finds it erodes a child’s neural development and is linked to long-term struggles with anger and self-esteem. In narcissistic families, verbal abuse also serves to isolate the child; the child may feel too ashamed to seek help or may not be believed by others if the parent puts on a charming front in public. The cycle often continues until the child can exit the situation and seek professional support to unlearn the lies they were told about themselves. Recovery involves realising that the cruel labels and names belonged to the parent’s dysfunction, not the child’s true identity.
12. Physical Aggression and Intimidation
While not all narcissistic parents become physically abusive, many do engage in physical aggression or intimidation to maintain dominance. This can range from relatively “mild” forms like grabbing, blocking the child’s way, or looming over them during confrontations, to severe physical abuse such as beatings or other violence. Survivors have recounted harrowing incidents: “My mother beat the living shit out of me as a child for no reason, whenever she was in the mood to be violent,” one person writes, noting that her mother would fly into rages unpredictably. Some have even experienced extreme acts – for example, one adult child recalled her mother once intentionally hitting her with a car during a rage, then later blaming the child for it. Narcissistic parents who are physically abusive often do so under the guise of “discipline,” but their punishment far exceeds any normal corrective measure and often has no clear trigger at all (“she did it just because”). The uncertainty – never knowing what might set off an explosion – instills profound fear in a child. Even narcissistic parents who don’t outright hit may use intimidation tactics: throwing objects, punching walls, smashing things, or menacing with a raised hand to keep the child in line. One adult recalls daily life with a narcissistic parent as living under threat: “Growing up in this environment forces you to walk on eggshells, constantly anticipating the next explosion”. The child’s nervous system is in a state of high alert, which can lead to symptoms of complex trauma (C-PTSD) over time.
Physical abuse by a parent unquestionably causes long-term harm to a child’s development. From a behavior standpoint, narcissistic parents who use physical aggression do so to terrorize the child into compliance. It’s an extension of their authoritarian control – if emotional manipulation fails, they will use force to assert dominance. In narcissistic family systems, the use of violence is often rationalized or ignored; the parent may never admit wrongdoing, and the child is left to believe they “deserved” it. Research shows that children who are physically abused by caregivers have higher rates of PTSD, anxiety disorders, and difficulties with emotional regulation as adults. In the context of narcissistic abuse, physical aggression is just one piece of a broader pattern of control and dehumanization. The parent’s explosive rages and tantrums (sometimes called narcissistic rages) are not just momentary lapses – they are calculated or at least habitually used episodes that reset the family’s power structure in the narcissist’s favor through fear. As one blogger noted, her narcissistic mother’s frequent violent outbursts (screaming, breaking things, and sometimes hitting) meant “my family and I never felt comfortable or safe in our own home.” Safety is a basic need in childhood, and its absence leaves deep emotional scars. Victims often continue to have trauma responses (such as flinching at loud voices or anger) long after the abuse has ended. Moreover, when a parent both abuses and then possibly “love-bombs” or acts normal afterward, it creates a traumatic bond in the child, who is left craving the parent’s approval but fearful of their wrath. In sum, physical intimidation by a narcissistic parent is one of the most extreme harmful behaviours – it not only injures the child’s body but also communicates a chilling message: might makes right, and the child’s feelings and safety do not matter. This message can take significant healing to unlearn in adulthood.
13. Emotional Neglect and Lack of Empathy
A more subtle but equally damaging behaviour of narcissistic parents is emotional neglect – a cold lack of empathy and responsiveness to the child’s emotional needs. Narcissistic parents are often so self-absorbed that they fail to truly see or nurture their children. Many adult children report that their narcissistic parent provided food, shelter, and maybe discipline, but “never really cared about my feelings or well-being.” For instance, if a child was sad or scared, instead of comfort they might get annoyance or dismissal. One woman remembered that her mother “believed showing emotions was a sign of weakness. She belittled me and my brother if we cried, so we learned not to”. The children in that scenario adapted by hiding their hurt and trying to appease their mother in other ways, effectively parenting themselves emotionally. Narcissistic parents also invalidate their child’s feelings – telling them they are “overreacting,” “too sensitive,” or even punishing them for expressing normal emotions. A child might come to a narcissistic father for encouragement or consolation, only to be met with blank indifference or a brusque change of subject back to the parent’s issues. Over time, the child feels invisible and alone. They may stop seeking support altogether, leading to feelings of emptiness and isolation even within the family. One contributor described it as, “I i my mom never really asked how I was doing – unless it was to compare me to someone else’s kid. My feelings simply didn’t register to her.”
Emotionally neglectful behavior by a parent can be harder to pinpoint than overt abuse, but its impact is profound. Children rely on attuned, empathetic caregiving to develop a secure sense of self and the ability to regulate emotions. Narcissistic parents, however, by definition lack empathy (or have a severely impaired capacity for it) and thus fail to mirror their child’s emotional needs. Developmental psychologists note that this kind of emotional deprivation can result in the child experiencing chronic emptiness, low self-esteem, and difficulty understanding their own emotions as adults . In narcissistic families, the focus is entirely on the parent – the child ends up almost parentifying themselves or seeking emotional support elsewhere (siblings, friends, etc.), sometimes even being scolded for doing so as we saw with boundary violations. Research on childhood emotional neglect suggests that it is linked to adult outcomes like depression, people-pleasing tendencies, and feelings of unrealness or identity confusion, because these individuals never received validation of their inner world growing up. Narcissistic parents also often respond to a child’s distress with irritation or anger (since it inconveniences them), which teaches the child that having needs or emotions is “bad.” As a result, many adult children of narcissists struggle with alexithymia (difficulty recognizing or expressing emotions) or intense shame whenever they cry or ask for help. Furthermore, because the narcissistic parent may appear “attentive” when it comes to their own needs or public image, outsiders might assume the child is fine – making the child’s loneliness all the more acute. In summary, the narcissistic parent’s lack of true empathy and emotional availability constitutes a silent form of abuse. The child might have clothes and meals, but what they desperately lack is the feeling of being loved for who they are. This creates a void that can take a long time to fill, often requiring therapy and the re-learning of self-compassion and trust in others.
14. Volatility: Tantrums and Rage Attacks
Narcissistic parents are often emotionally volatile, subjecting their households to unpredictable tantrums and rage attacks when their demands or expectations are not met. This is an expression of their immaturity and need for control. Many adult children recall a parent who reacted to minor inconveniences with explosive anger or melodramatic upset. “My mother would throw temper tantrums, act overly hurt, demand attention at all times and expect to be treated like a queen,” one author writes of growing up with a narcissistic parent. Narcissistic rage can include yelling, cursing, insulting, and sometimes physical actions like slamming doors or breaking objects. For the child, it feels like living with a ticking time bomb. One survivor described that even as an adult, the sound of a door slamming makes her flinch, because it reminds her of her parent’s daily outbursts. In an account of life with a narcissistic mother, a blogger noted, “She threw tantrums almost every day – screaming, yelling, stomping, slamming doors, making threats, and sometimes breaking things…We never felt comfortable or safe in our own home.”. These outbursts often occur “when things don’t go their way,” essentially the parent responding like a thwarted toddler whenever reality or family members don’t cater to their ego. Children quickly learn to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering a blow-up. They might strive for perfection or silence themselves, trying to preempt the parent’s next rage. Nonetheless, narcissistic tantrums can erupt out of nowhere, because the cause usually lies in the parent’s internal issues (narcissistic injury) rather than anything the child truly did wrong.
This volatility is rooted in the narcissist’s poor emotional regulation and entitlement. Clinically, narcissistic personality disorder is associated with a low tolerance for frustration and a tendency to externalize anger. The narcissistic parent feels entitled to obedience and special treatment; when that is challenged (even by normal child behavior), they perceive it as an ego threat and overreact disproportionately. Psychologist Peg Streep has written that daughters of narcissistic mothers often learn to “hide” and placate to survive these episodes, noting that some mothers used “combative or critical” tactics that taught the child it was safer to be invisible than to provoke mom’s wrath. The parent’s emotional immaturity essentially forces the child into a caretaking or appeasing role (or alternatively, the child may rebel and face even more anger). From a family systems view, these rage attacks also serve to reset power: the narcissist’s fury intimidates everyone and reinforces that the household must revolve around the parent’s moods. There’s an element of control — after a blow-up, the family scrambles to keep the peace, often giving in to the parent’s demands (sometimes called “tantrum conditioning”, similar to giving a screaming toddler candy to quiet them, except here the stakes are much higher). The psychological toll on children is severe. Chronic exposure to a parent’s uncontrolled rage can result in anxiety, hypervigilance, and symptoms of trauma in the child. Even as adults, these individuals might have strong startle responses, panic at signs of conflict, or conversely, emulate the aggressive behavior they observed. It’s important to note that these narcissistic rages are not the same as normal parental anger or stress – they are more intense, often without apology or repair, and they shift blame to the child (e.g. “look what you made me do” mentality). In therapeutic settings, helping survivors understand that a parent’s rage was not the child’s fault is crucial to healing, as narcissistic parents will never give that reassurance themselves.
15. Creating Conflict and Baiting
Narcissistic parents have a tendency to create unnecessary conflict – sometimes deliberately “baiting” the child into emotional outbursts so that the parent can maintain a narrative of superiority or victimhood. Many children of narcissists come to realise that their parent “thrived on drama.” For example, a narcissistic mother might continually pick fights over trivial matters (like how the child does chores or the tone of the child’s voice), escalating the situation until the child reacts angrily. Once the child responds, the mother suddenly switches to playing the victim, crying that the child is “abusing” her or is out of control. One person observed, “My Nmom would often provoke me into an emotional reaction…and then she’d use that reaction against me to guilt-trip or shame me.” This tactic is commonly called baiting – the narcissist pushes your buttons just to hurt you, then weaponises your response as evidence that you are the problem. On forums, people share stories like a father deliberately embarrassing his teen about a sensitive topic until the teen yelled or cried, at which point the father triumphantly declared the teen unstable and grounded them. Narcissistic parents may also start conflicts out of boredom or a need for attention – for instance, argumentative “devil’s advocate” behaviour, constant criticism (so the child is always on the defensive), or even pitting the child against other people as mentioned in triangulation. The home becomes a constant battlefield where the narcissist ensures something is always brewing.
Experts note that narcissists feel powerful and in control when they can unbalance someone emotionally. In a family, starting conflicts can give the narcissistic parent an adrenaline rush of being dominant, or the satisfaction of seeing others scramble. Moreover, if the narcissist can induce the child to lose composure (yell, cry, say something rash), the parent then has cover to punish the child and reinforce the parent’s role as the “wronged” party or authoritarian figure. It’s a perverse “win-win” for them: “If you stop what you’re doing and give them attention, they feel important and get their narcissistic supply. If you don’t, they feel victimized and get to lash out at you for ‘hurting’ them”. Research on conflict in narcissistic relationships shows that narcissists often use something called DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) when confronted. We see this in parent-child spats: the parent denies wrongdoing, then attacks the child for even bringing it up, and finally claims they are the victim of the child’s awful behaviour. Baiting is a setup for DARVO – by goading the child into an outburst, the parent can more credibly swap roles and insist the child was the abuser. This is gaslighting and smear tactics wrapped together. For the child, these manufactured conflicts are deeply damaging. They create confusion (the child often wonders, “How did this fight even start? Is it really my fault?”) and erode the child’s trust in their own emotions (since any reaction is used against them). Over time, a child may learn to suppress emotions entirely to avoid giving the narcissist ammunition, which can lead to dissociation or difficulty expressing emotions later in life . Others internalise blame and believe they are “angry” or “bad” kids, not realising how artfully they were provoked. Clinicians working with adult children of narcissists often have to unravel intense guilt and self-criticism that stem from these engineered blow-ups. Understanding that the narcissistic parent loved to stir up trouble – and that peaceful times were only temporary lulls – helps survivors see that the chaos was deliberately inflicted, not a reflection of their own character.
Conclusion
The behaviours detailed throughout this article—gaslighting, guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail, triangulation, projection, scapegoating, conditional love, and others—form a pattern of psychological control and emotional neglect that defines narcissistic parenting. These are not isolated incidents or harsh moments taken out of context; they are systematic behaviors that, when repeated throughout childhood, erode a child’s sense of self, stability, and safety. Many survivors reach adulthood burdened by chronic guilt, identity confusion, emotional dysregulation, low self-worth, and a persistent feeling of invisibility—without knowing where these symptoms come from. Recognising the origin of these lifelong struggles in the dynamics of a narcissistic household is the first step toward reclaiming autonomy and restoring psychological health.
Healing begins with informed awareness. There is now a vast and growing body of literature, clinical research, and survivor testimony available across books, peer-reviewed journals, blogs, and support communities. By educating yourself—methodically, skeptically, and reflectively—you can begin to identify which patterns were present in your own life, how they shaped your inner world, and where your inherited beliefs about yourself need to be challenged. Look for reputable sources written by trauma-informed clinicians, academic research on narcissistic family systems, and the lived experiences of others who have walked a similar path. The more precisely you name the abuse, the more power you take away from it. Healing takes time, but it becomes possible the moment you realize the problem was never your sensitivity, your resistance, or your desire to be loved—it was the environment that punished you for having those needs in the first place.
References
- Streep, P. (2019, February 5). 5 Destructive Effects of a Toxic Childhood. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com – (Includes personal anecdotes of a daughter’s perspective on gaslighting and emotional abuse)
- Emamzadeh, A. (2024, January 10). How a Parent’s Narcissism Affects a Child’s Mental Health. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com – (Discusses traits of narcissistic parents – lack of empathy, conditional affection, competition – and their impact on children; summarises research by Hewitt et al.)
- Hopeful Panda. (2025, May 15). 28 Ways Narcissistic Parents Abuse and Their Lasting Effects. Hopeful Panda (hopefulpanda.com). Retrieved from https://hopefulpanda.com – (Blog post by an adult child of a narcissist, detailing common abusive tactics (gaslighting, guilt-tripping, triangulation, etc.) and the psychological effects of each. Updated 2025.)
- Cikanavicius, D. (2019a, April 28). 25 Characteristics of Narcissistic Parents and Dysfunctional Families (Part 1). PsychCentral. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com – (Lists and explains traits such as immaturity, selfishness, fake apologies, playing victim, triangulation, guilt-tripping, and shaming in narcissistic families.)
- Reddit user randomalias101. (2023, March 28). Comment in “Parent threatens suicide” [Online forum post]. Reddit – r/raisedbynarcissists. Retrieved from https://www.reddit.com – (Describes a mother’s repeated suicide threats to control her child’s decisions; an example of emotional blackmail.)
- Futures in Mind (2024, April 19). “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself”: Compassionately Responding to Suicide Threats in Relationships. FuturesInMind.ie. Retrieved from https://www.futuresinmind.ie – (Explains why suicide threats are a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, and their impact on the victim in family/partner contexts.)
- Reddit user OkRadish5. (2020, January 15). “sibling triangulation” [Online forum post]. Reddit – r/raisedbynarcissists. Retrieved from https://www.reddit.com – (Original poster and commenters discuss how a narcissistic parent turns siblings against each other, including personal examples of scapegoating and divide-and-conquer tactics.)
- Cikanavicius, D. (2019b, May 12). 25 Characteristics of Narcissistic Parents and Dysfunctional Families (Part 2). PsychCentral. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com – (Continues list of narcissistic parent traits: includes projection, comparison, scapegoating, no self-responsibility, envy/competition with children, hypocrisy, neglectfulness, conflict/baiting, etc.)
- “Hopeful Panda” (2023, September 10). Raised By A Narcissist: Excerpts from My Childhood. HopefulPanda (Personal Blog). Retrieved from https://hopefulpanda.com – (First-person account of childhood with a narcissistic mother: provides examples of frequent verbal insults, wishes of harm, physical abuse episodes, blame-shifting, and daily tantrums by the parent, along with the lasting effects on the author.)
- Reddit user anxietybugs. (2022, July 8). “What are certain things all narcissistic parents seem to do?” [Online forum thread]. Reddit – r/raisedbynarcissists. Retrieved from https://www.reddit.com – (Community members list common behaviours observed in narcissistic parents. Examples include always making themselves the victim, never admitting fault, projecting flaws onto kids, making loud displays of anger to get attention, etc.)
- Reddit user [deleted]. (2020, Feb 20). “Does anybody else’s narc parent brag about you so they can get attention?” [Rant/Vent post]. Reddit – r/raisedbynarcissists. Retrieved from https://www.reddit.com – (Describes a mother’s two-faced behaviour: privately calling the daughter names and dismissing her achievements, but publicly boasting about the daughter to claim credit as a great mom. Includes replies from others with similar experiences of being treated like a “showpiece” by an N-parents.)
